How to Build an H-Bomb
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Part 1: Making Your Bomb Uranium is the basic ingredient of the A-bomb. When a uranium atom's nucleus splits
apart, it releases a tremendous amount of energy (for its size), and it emits neutrons
which go on to split other nearby uranium nuclei, releasing more energy, in what is called
a 'chain reaction'. (When atoms split, matter is converted into energy according to
Einstein's equation E=MC2. What better way to mark his birthday than with your
own atomic fireworks?) If stealing uranium seems too tacky you can buy it. Unenriched uranium is available at
any chemical supply house for $23 a pound. Commercial grade (3 to 20 percent enriched) is
available for $40 a pound from Gulf Atomic. You'll have to enrich it further yourself.
Quite frankly this can be something of a pain in the ass. You'll need to start with a
little more than 50 pounds of commercial-grade uranium. (It's only 20 percent U-235 at
best, and you need 10 pounds of U-235 so... ) But with a little kitchen-table chemistry
you'll be able to convert the solid uranium oxide you've purchased into a liquid form.
Once you've done that, you'll be able to separate the U-235 that you'll need from the
U-238. A few precautions:
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Step 2: Assembling the A-Bomb Now that you've acquired the enriched uranium, all that's left is to assemble your A-bomb. Go find a couple of stainless steel salad bowls. You also want to separate your 10 pounds of U-235 into two hunks. (Keep them apart!) The idea is to push each half your uranium into the inside of a bowl. Take one hunk of your uranium and beat it into the inside of the first bowl. Uranium is malleable, like gold, so you should have no trouble hammering it into the bowl to get a good fit. Take another five-pound hunk of uranium and fit it into a second stainless steel bowl. These two bowls of U-235 are the "subcritical masses" which, when brought together forcefully, will provide the critical mass that makes your A-bomb go. Keep them a respectful distance apart while working because you don't want them to "go critical" on you... At least not yet. Now hollow out the body of an old vacuum cleaner and place your two hemispherical bowls inside, open ends facing each other, no less than seven inches apart, using masking tape to set them up in position. The reason for the steel bowls and the vacuum cleaner, in case you're wondering, is that these help reflect the neutrons back into the uranium for a more efficient explosion. "A loose neutron is a useless neutron" as the A-bomb pioneers used to say. As far as the A-bomb goes, you're almost done. The final problem is to figure out how to get the two U-235 hemispheres to smash into each other with sufficient force to set off a truly effective fission reaction. Almost any type of explosive can be used to drive them together. Gunpowder, for example, is easily made at home from potassium nitrate, sulfur, and carbon. Or, you can get some blasting caps or TNT. (Buy them or steal them from a construction site.) Best of all is C4 plastic explosive. You can mold it around your bowls, and it's fairly safe to work with. (But, it might be wise to shape it around an extra salad bowl in another room, and THEN fit it to your uranium-packed bowls. This is particularly true in winter, when a stray static electrical charge might induce ignition in the C4. A responsible bomb maker considers it impolite to accidentally destroy more of the neighborhood than absolutely necessary.) Once the explosives are in place all you need to do is hook up a simple detonation device with a few batteries, a switch, and some wire. Remember though that it is essential that the two charges -- one on each side of the casing -- go off simultaneously. Now put the whole thing in the casing of an old Hoover vacuum cleaner and you're finished with this part of the process. The rest is easy. |
Step 3: Make More A-Bombs Following the Directions Above
A Word to the Wise About Wastes |
Going First ClassIf you're like us, you're feeling the economic pinch, and you'll want to make your bomb
as inexpensively as possible, consonant of course with reasonable yield. The recipe we've
given is for a budget-pleasing H-bomb, no frills, no flourishes; it's just a simple
5-megaton bomb, capable of wiping out the New York metropolitan area, the San Francisco
Bay area, or Boston. But don't forget, your H-bomb will only be as good as the A-bombs in
it. |
Part 2: Putting Your H-Bomb Together |
Part 3: What to do With Your BombNow that you have a fully assembled H-bomb housed in an attractive console of your choice you may be wondering, "What should I do with it?" Every family will have to answer this question according to its own tastes and preferences, but you may want to explore some possibilities which have been successfully pioneered by the American government. 1. Sell Your Bomb and Make a Pile of Money In these days of rising inflation, increasing unemployment, and an uncertain economic outlook, few businesses make as much sense as weapons production. If your career forecast is cloudy, bomb sales may be the only sure way to avoid the humiliation of receiving welfare, or unemployment. Regardless of your present income level, a home H-bomb business can be an invaluable income supplement, and certainly a profitable alternative to selling Tupperware or pirated Girl Scout cookies. Unfortunately for the family bomb business, big government has already cornered a large part of the world market. But this does not mean that there is a shortage of potential customers. The raid on Entebee was the Waterloo of hijacking, and many nationalist groups are now on the alert for new means to get their message across. They'd jump at the chance to get hold of an H-bomb. Emerging nations which can't ante up enough rice or sugar to buy themselves a reactor from G.E. or Westinghouse are also shopping around. You may wonder about the ethics of selling to nations, or groups, whose goals you may disapprove of. But here again, take a tip from our government: forget ideology -- it's cash that counts. And remember, H-bomb sales have a way of escalating, almost like a chain reaction. Suppose you make a sale to South Yemen which you believe to be a Soviet puppet. Well within a few days some discrete inquiries from North Yemen and possibly the Saudis, the Egyptians and the Ethiopians as well can be expected. Similarly, a sale to the IRA will generate a sale to the Ulster government; and a sale to the Tanzanians will bring the Ugandans running, and so forth. It doesn't matter WHICH side you're on, only how many sides there are. Don't forget about the possibility of repeat sales to the same customer. As the experience of both the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. has shown, each individual nation has a potentially infinite need for H-bombs. No customer -- no matter how small -- can ever have too many. Many families are attracted to the H-bomb simply as a "deterrent." A discrete sticker on the door or on the living room window saying "This Home Protected by H-bomb" will discourage IRS investigators, census takers, and Jehovah's Witnesses. You'll be surprised how fast the crime rate will go down and property values will go up. And once the news gets out that you are a home H-bomb owner you'll find that you have unexpected leverage in neighborhood disputes over everything from parking places and stereo noise levels to school tax rates. So relax and enjoy the pride and excitement of home H-bomb ownership! |
Is It For You? The following quiz will help you find out whether you have what it takes for home
H-bomb ownership. If you can answer "yes" to six or more of these questions,
then you're emotionally eligible to join the nuclear club. If not, a more conventional
weapon may be more your cup of tea, try botulism-toxin, laser rays, or nerve gas. |
Myths About Nuclear WarEver since the first mushroom cloud over Hiroshima ushered in the atomic age, a small
group of nay-sayers and doom-mongers has lobbied, campaigned and demonstrated to convince
Americans that H-bomb ownership, along with nuclear power, is dangerous and unhealthy.
Using their virtual stranglehold over the media, these people have tried to discredit
everything nuclear from energy to war. They have vastly overrated the risks of nuclear
bombs and left many Americans feeling demoralized and indecisive; not sure where the truth
lies. Well, here are the myths, and here are the facts. We hope this clears up any misconceptions you may have had. Enjoy your H-Bomb! |